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Friday, 23 March 2007

Guilt, guilt and more guilt

It's been a week of surviving rather than living. All the kids have been ill with coughs and colds. Not much sleep has been had by anyone. The house is even more of a pit than ever. I just hate leaving the babies at home when they are sick. Two or three mornings in the week I had to depart leaving a scene of comparitive misery, with Ava crying in her highchair, red-eyed, snot pouring out of her nose, and Nathan flopping on the sofa coughing his little heart out. 'Bad Mother', said the voices in my head, as I headed up the road to catch the bus to work. Work has a habit of drawing you in though, and before you know it, you are busy dwelling on other, really less important problems in the grand scheme of things. Bang, more guilt, as you are pulled up short a few hours later. Not having had a moment to think about the kids you then feel guilty for not thinking about them. Later, when you reach home to find everyone feeling rather sorry for themselves, you feel guilty again. Eden's been worrying me too lately with a tendency to 'accidents' where going to the toilet is concerned. First I felt guilty that I had taken so long to notice a pattern developing; then I felt guilty when I realised the 'accidents' started at the same time I returned to work. Later, I felt guilty for telling her off about it on several occasions. Blame the hormones or simply blame the fact that you will forever be tied to these small creatures by a love fiercer than anything previously imaginable, it can sometimes be damned hard to get through the day without beating yourself up that you aren't doing everything perfectly right by your children. It was my day off today and boy, did I need it. All it took was a concerned friend calling me to say she thought I seemed stressed, and the tears came thick and fast. It's funny how someone being nice to you is often the thing that 'allows' you to let go. Several lattes and a lot of laughs later with a gaggle of mum friends in the local cafe, things were looking up. Some weeks, the ones when it all feels a bit too tough, you just have to put it down to experience and hope that next week, things will look a little rosier.

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